MY BIG RUBBER BUTT: Adventures of a Transgender Comic Part 7

I should've known I was screwed way before that. Not be becuase I'm untalented or transgendered (I can work around that). It's because I'm German.

After my audition, Debbs took me out on the town. She knew this great Japanesse place...... We ate, we laughed, we drank. She told great stories about her writing and the people she's crossed paths with. I was frothing at the mouth over just having spent the afternoon at NBC.

It was fun.

I wound-up on her couch, staring at something on tv, while her roomate drank wine and cleaned-out the fishtank. I was exhausted. And, a little buzzed. Debbs ran back and forth, changing, taking care of the bunny, checking her computer and checking on me (she's good like that).

I'm a cynic and a fatalist, at heart. I always will be. But, for one moment, I was on top of the world. "This is NBC Casting..", is a line that ran on a continuous loop in my brain that entire day. Hope rose in my chest for the first time in a long time.

It's almost impossible to explain how tired I was. Mumbling 'uh-huh', and ocassionally nodding was preferable to 'Please, stop talking....I'm having a hard-time focusing'. That required too much energy.

So, I just laid there, glassy eyes staring between a blurred image on a television screen and listened to the minute details of African Aquatics, by Debbs roommate. I'm not sure she realized just how exhausted I was. And, the second glass of wine did nothing to make her more aware, or slow her down. She was on a roll.

That's pretty much how I remember that day coming to an end. Surreal. But, somehow appropriate. I realized that, as I laid there, that I probably had reached the pinnacle of my success Whatever happened happened, I was going to savor every minute of it. Even fish-lady couldn't take that away.

Tonight, I was Sleepin' With the Fishes.

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT: Adventures of A Transgendered Comic: Part 6

When I had originally read the one-page script then had been forwarded to me, a million scenarios ran through my mind -most of which had me and Tina Fey rolling in laughter. Since the other person in the script was identified as Liz Lemon, to which I am talking to, I just assumed.....

I dreamnt of hanging-out with Tina Fey for a week, even though the actual shoot would probably take an hour, or two, tops. I was surprised at all the emotional triggers that audition fired.

When the person from casting, came into the room and called my name, I was pretty much just glad I had a wonderful fall day in the city. I grabbed my bags, headed for the door, and announced, "Okay, Boys. I'm going In".

Captive audiences should never be under-estimated.

I went into the third, or fourth door on my left. As I entiered the room, I noticed two people sitting behind a desk. A man and a woman. I was directed to stand against the wall, to my left. The wall was covered with a blue curtain.

Everyone was introduced, and I immediately forgot their names. The man sitting behind the desk was also running a camera. The woman next to him said that she had seen me recently at the Broadway Comedy Club - a performance that I immediately remembered as not my best -furthere plummeting my soul into darker depths of despair.

"Oh, you were great that night. I loved it".

"Oh. in that case", I responded without missing a beat, "I was fucking brilliant.

It was all very pleasant. They were pleasant. I was pleasant. I read the line I had been three different ways. After each reading they seemed pleased. Then it was thank you for coming-in goodbye.

I was back outside, standing between the ice-skating rink in the process of becoming an ice skating rink, and the guy sprucing up the facade. People walked back and forth, and I just stood there..........hands in my pockets....cmera pulling back and arching up....leaves blowing past.....the last flickers of sunlight between the buildings......Jazz music and Woody Allen narrating.

Now What?!

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT: Adventures of a Transgendered Comic. Part 5.

I sat outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza for about a half hour. It was a beautiful fall day, and there weren't as many tourists, as usual. I watched people go by, I watched a painter sprucing-up the facades over the entrances, while the moments ticked-away. The skating rink was in the process of being turned-into a skating rink.

At quarter-of, I grabbed my bag and headed inside. It was much darker inside. Marble walls seemed to turn night into day. I found the visitors center after a little direction. The girl behind the counter wasn't overly impressed. She took my ID (which had my legal name on it), gave me a once-over and issued me a badge. She was very business-like. And, I got the feeling that she'd seen just about everything.

The elevators took me to a floor I assumed would be bustling with activity. Instead, I got an old reggae janitor, who directed me. There was no one in the halls. There was no one in the offices. All there was was a sign, directing those who were there to audition for 30 Rock to have a seat in the green room. So, I did.

I looked out the windows at the roof below, and the street below that. I heard a phone ring in the distance. There was a sound of conversation in another room. I rifled the magazines and sat down.

After a few minutes, a woman wearing a tight red cocktail dress, and sporting bleach-blonde locks like Marily Monroe came in. She was stunningly beautiful, perfectly sized and shaped, with not a single wrinkle in her skin. I hated her.

She grabbed her bag, and coat, and split, without a word.

Before long, a 20-something-looking young man came in. We introduced ourselves and chatted. This was his "first audition, in years", he said. He did a lot of things when he was a kid, bur had taken a few years off.....and, he also said, he knew the casting director well. When he told me that he was also up for the part that I was up for, my heart sank.

Then another 20-something came in. Then another. Before long a trickle turned into a tide and I was surrounded by 10 young men, who could all have posed for the cover of GQ.

......And, there was me.

What's wrong with this picture?~

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT; Adventures of a transgendered comic. Part 4

I had a pillow on my face when the phone rang. I could hear everything around me, but my vision was filled with pillow. Except for the phone I was holding under the pillow, and the sound of my voice as I spoke to the person on the other end, it would have looked like I'd been smothered by anyone entering the room.

It was NBC/Universal casting, in NYC. And, they wanted me to come in and read for a small part on 30 Rock.

The pillow hit the floor, as I sat straight-up in bed.

That was late Friday. By Monday, I was back in the city.

If this were a filmed, the beat would kick-in at this point followed by a great montage of NYC sights -especially, Rockefeller Center. You'd see me arriving, just like Mary Tyler Moore,in The tv series the Mary Tyler Moore show would, when she emerged from her apartment building -throwing her hat into the air. Only, in this case, I'd be holding my nose.

That would immediately be followed by shots of me and Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, Alex Baldwin and Judah Freedlander, as we made all manner of faces at each other as our Names popped-up under our faces, in a visually stunning, yet light and jovial way.

It would be a wonderful Cinderella story.

Instead, it turned-out to be a lot more interesting.

It was a great two day adventure that took me all over town with Debbs. It was my first trip into 30 Rockefeller Center, as well as the casting offices of NBC/Universal, and my flirtation with the NBC television show 30 ROCK.

And,for some reason, Elvis fits into this.

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT. Part 3

I'd like to think that I'm a person who learns from her mistakes. In fact, I've made so many mistakes that I'm probably at the top of my class. So, I was determined not to make some stupid mistake, some amateurish stumble or niave gaff. I steeled myself for what was ahead. Barring a fart sneaking-out,I thought, I was good to go.

But, somewhere during lunch, in a nice italian restaurant with Debbs, my heart started to pound. I started to get a little nervous. This was the first real casting call of any substance, that I'd gotten. I was both excited and nervous.

Debbs was sweet. She tried to take my mind off it. And, when she couldn't, she gave me words of support. (She's like that.)

Maybe this was a Huge mistake, I thought to myself. Maybe, I wasn't quite ready for this. I was that patheitic. How the hell had I completely lost my shit?! Then I realized something very important. Something that would focus me and calm my nerves.

Debbs was buying lunch.

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT: Adventures of a transgendered comic.

The McDonald's across from the Times Square Entertainment Center is just where I wound-up. Ritual didn't motivate me, this time. It was hunger....and, I was broke. (Besides, the waiting-lines aren't too long. And, the Day-Manager runs that place tight).

I still had more than enough time to meet-up with Debbs, for lunch, and than head-over to 30 Rock. Especially, since her offices are right across the street.

I had no expectations of what the day would bring. I came with plenty of thoughts, hopes and dreams: most of which I later squashed at an Irish Pub in Times square.

It was a beautiful day in New York City. I got to hang with one of my favorite girls, and I spent the afternoon at 30 Rockefeller Center. What could possibly go wrong?!

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT: Adventures of a transgendered comic

The first thing I do when I get off the bus, at Port Authority, is to go to the bathroom. Not always, but usually. In this case, my bladder and me had been sitting for four hours.

Every stall was taken when I got there. But, I was first in-line.

Fianlly, a women emerged from a stall and I walked in.....in...in to the most disgusting thing -in a bathroom- that I'd seen that day. I quickly assesed the situation, and calculated how much time it would take to reach Debbs office, and Her bathroom.

Short enough.

I walked away, and headed to the street.

I didn't assume anything about the women who had emerged from the stall, as I took the excalator up to street level. I didn't automatically peg her as the one who had turned it into a urine-works, in there. But, I did wonder -if she wasn't the culprit- how she managed to use it.

She wasn't that tall.