Seizure Queen

He came into the play-ground as he normally did, at a sprint. 

But, he only got about five feet before his eyes glazed-over and his knees buckled.  He dropped down to the, fortunately, padded surface, his knees hitting first.  Then he slumped, as if he'd been shot.

By the time I reached him his five-year-old-body was spasmming, uncontrollably. 

I rolled him onto his left side, as I had learned so many years ago, and made sure his air-ways were clear.  I had been with another child for years who had seizures on a daily basis, and I'd leaned a lot more about seizures than I ever wanted to.

So, I didn't have a second thought on what to do.

The other staff with me, ran to call for a nurse, as I stayed with the child.

His arms and legs both convulsed.  His tiny fists clenching and unclenching.  His back arching.  His head moving up and down. 

A single tear fell from his eye as I rubbed his back and assured him it would be alright.

After what seemed an eternity, the spasms calmed and his breathing became more steady.

He moaned.

By the time the nurse arrived, he was through the worst of it.  He was just a limp five-year-old who had just had his entire body racked by a massive seizure.  He was exhausted.

We moved him from the play-ground to the classroom, placing him on a bed and covering him with a blanket.  The nurse had called for an ambulance, and everything seemed to be fine, for the moment.

You don't have time to think at those moments.  You have to act.

And, then, you have to carry-on.

After all, it's only Tuesday.

"Do you feel 'trapped' in the wrong Cliche?"

I have never thought: I want to be a woman.  That makes no sense to me.  I know what I am.  I have always thought: I want to be a comedian.  That makes sense to me.  Because, like I said, I know who I am.

Over the years, one of my pet-peeves has been that question that everyone has heard: "Did you always feel like a woman 'trapped' in a man's body?"

Nope.

Never.

Not once.

There were a lot of things I did want, growing up.  Understanding and love were at the top of my list.

I was born Trans.

Because of ignorance and fear, I was educated and culturized as a male.  But, I've always known Who and What I was.  And, I quickly learned that if I was going to survive, I'd have to be very guarded about that.  My struggle was not being Trans.  My struggle was, and is, living in a world that is woefully uneducated, and too often hateful and violent. 

The fact that I've survived this long is not a comment on my tenacity (I wish).  It's pure dumb luck.

But, I'm here.

And, sometimes, I get cranky.

"Are you a man who wanted to be a woman?", and "Do you feel trapped in the wrong body?" are what the ignorant, and the media, use as their 'go to' cliché to describe a life that hasn't begun to be understood.

It 'wrankles my niggets!'

Because, besides being woefully inadequate and completely wrong-headed, it shows that our knowledge of science and sex-education in this country is beyond pitiful. 

And, if that isn't bad enough, it is an explanation that has been thrust upon us, often by people who claim to only want to help.

It's insulting.  It's a two-dimensional representation of the three-dimensional life.  Mostly, though, it's a short-cut for those who stopped thinking long ago.

No, I never thought to myself, "I want to be a woman". 

I've lived my life surviving, and discovering what it means to be Trans in the world in which I live.  I've learned a great deal.  Seen a lot.  Experienced so many interesting things.  All of which informs my comedy.

That is Who I am.

I know that this is a long answer to what seems, on it's surface, to be a simple question.  But, I think the conversation needs to change.  Old definitions, out-moded and trans-phobic 'assessments and diagnosis' need to say 'Bye, bye, now!"

I've only ever wanted to be a comedian.

My 'gender-identity', my 'sexuality' and my sense of myself has never waivered.  But, my faith in humanity often has (like a noodle in a wind-storm).

You said, yourself, that you already knew the answer.

But, you just had to ask.

Here's hoping that doesn't answer your question.