C'Mon, It's just a Joke!!

In all the hoopla surrounding Conan O'Brien, I wish someone had taken the time to connect some dots.  I wish the point had been made that one 'harmless, little, joke' is much more than harmless when it is but one is a sea of jokes and insults.

No one ever thinks that off-the-cuff remarks, or snarky unsults mean much.  And, they don't.  And, if it were just one, it wouldn't.  But, when it's endemic, when SNL, Craig Ferguson, Adam Corolla (the same one who is presently putting-down women comics), and Conan O'brien make the same 'Harmless Joke' it stops becoming harmless.

When it happens, over and over, it becomes hate.  And, to a Trans person, that hate is real.  It's palpable.  And, it's  threatening.

On their own, each one of those jokes and insults are not threatening.  They're lame, at best.
Just a drop-in-the-bucket.

It's when those drops continue to fall, day-after-day, week-after-week, and month-after-month, year-after-year that we see we are actually being inundated.  Each drop a tickle.  Combined, a torrent.  And then, a flash-flood.

I wish more time had been spent connecting those dots, because I often think that we let our feelings get the better of us.  Sure, I scream at the television, throw food at it and call these people assholes.  But, that doesn't change anything. 

I don't know these people.  I don't know that they are genuinely evil and vile.  Ignorant?  Yes.  Obviously.  And, judging by their remaarks in these situations, they believe themselves to be none of these.  That's the part that's the scariest.

We need to communicate to people (and, comedians) what it feels like to face a flash-flood of hatred everytime we turn on our television -from those who claim to entertain us.  We need to educate them that their harmless little joke is what those that would deny us our rights and dignity chuckle at, and use to bolster their hate.  They need to know how many Trans people are killed and abused because of that hate.  We need to tell Conan, and anyone else who hides behind the 'it's only a joke' excuse that its' not.

We need to tell them that maybe they aren't the cause of the hate.  No.  But, they need to know that ignorance is no excuse, that they are responsible for perpetuating ignorance and hatred.

There's an old quote that says something to the effect that for evil to flourish, good men must do nothing.

MY BIG RUBBER BUTT! Adventures of a transgender comic (part 8)

People were streaming into the club at a steady rate, as the siren of a fire-engine heading up 8th Avenue broke the relative calm. It looked like it would be a full-house tonight.

I knew I had a good 15-20 minutes before the show kicked-off, before they neeeded me downstairs.

I'd already checked-in with Rich Woods and Eric Hanson, who were busy scheduling the line-up. They knew I wouldn't stray far.

I was nervous, and I was restless. I needed to breath.

But, I wasn't afraid.


I looked at the buildings surrounding me, the cars going by, and the people on the street as they passed, and I imagined myself as Lauren Bacall.

And, I smiled. A crooked little smile.

The same smile I had when I approached Carson Kresley, at the after-party of the GLAAD Media Awards in New York City, just a few weeks before.

He was being corraled by a couple of fans, and he did not look at all comfortable.

I approached him, directly, moving across the room. I excused myself to those gathered, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Carson, I don't want an autograph, and I don't want to waste your time. All I want is a hug".

The conversation around us stopped. He smiled at me, and immediately threw his arms in the air. "Oh, honey", he said, putting his arms around me, "you are so easy!"

I squeezed him. I thanked him. And, I left him.


And That's how you make a memory, I thought to myself, standing in front of the club.

That's Why I wasn't afraid.

Me and my crooked smile just needed to breath.

Attitude is Everything.

Yesterday, was an historic day. For the first time in history, the sitting President of the United States, Barack OBama, stated publicly that gay and lesbian people should be allowed to marry.

Before you start the usual carping, the incessant criticisms and endless analysis of what this means -turning this moment into something smarmy and cynical- can we just take a breath and appreciate what just happened.

They were simple words.

They were smartly couched and eloquently delivered.

They were personal, they were honest, and they defined the issues in human terms.

"How do you look someone in the eye and tell them they are second-class citizens?"

I have seen a lot of people say a lot of things, in a variety of media, about the subject of gay-marriage, and, they all have a lot to say. I've heard more jokes on the subject of gay marriage then I care to -most lame. But, I've yet to hear anything that connects with me the way the Presidents words did.

By speaking about Gays and Lesbians and the struggle for equality, the President has elevated the LGBT community to the level of human beings, worthy of dignity and respect.

You can't take that back.

Pandora's box has been opened.

You can disagree. You can minimize it's importance in the overall schemme of things, doing what you can to diminish it. You can analyze, criticize, over-emphasize and lionize it. But, you cannot erase it. It is historic.

So, can I suggest -for just the briefest of moments- that we breath deeply, and take a moment to re-energize our hope for the future.

We'll have plenty of time to fall back into the abyss of depresssion and anger everytime a hate crime is reported, a child is beaten and a person is fired for being a human being.

We are continually bombarded with stories and narratives that turn our stomachs and break our hearts, and it's what we all fight against every day of our lives, but we can't continue if there aren't moments that we can point to that show that hope still exists.

I am proud of our President.

Not just for the words he spoke.

Because, after years of words that were filled with fear and hate, violence and intolerance, someone spoke words that we all yearn to hear. And, in so doing reminded us what our political and religious leaders have forgotten.

We all hope for a better tomorrow.

Otherwise, we truly are in Hell.

Dear Anderson Cooper,

I live my life as Clark Kent, but I wish I was Rita Hayworth.


That was the line that caught Leonard Nimoy's attention. It was what I had submitted as a 'short bio' to Mr. Nimoy in response to his call for people willing to participate in a multi-media exploration of secret identities, entitled 'Secret Selves', several years ago.


I had no expectation that he would respond. So, of course, he did.


I grew-up with Leonard Nimoy and his portrayal of the half-human/half-vulcan character everyone knows as Spock, from the populat television series Star Trek.


As a child, living in a broken and often violent home, Spock seemed to be the only other person who felt what I felt: Alone, but surrounded by multitudes
.

Eventually, I realized that he was just an actor playing a part. But, when you're a child, and you have nothing in your life to hold onto, that character on television made me feel that maybe I wasn;t alone. Maybe, I wasn't the only one who was different.


When I submitted my bio to Mr. Nimoy, I hadn't, yet, transitioned. I was living a life in two worlds. I was stuck and couldn't move forward. I was living and working during the day as a man, to support the two most important people in my life -my wife and my child.


So, it seems just as surreal to me, today, as I write this, as it did when I first spoke them to him on the fall day, several years ago.


My name is Tammy Twotone. I am a child of abandonment, divorce, abuse and hate. A great deal of my life has been spent living in fear. Most of it -especially the early years- was also with the certainty that I was unloved and unloveable (something no child should experience). My first hero was George Carlin. I was bullied. I am one of five daughters, who has only now become a woman. I'm German. I was U.S. Marine....for a very short time. I've seen my mother beaten. I'm an artist. I've sold books for a living and dreamed about being a writer. I've beena taxi-dispatcher on the over-night shift. I've worked with Special-needs kids. I am married. I am a parent. And, I'm a stand-up comedian.


Now, you have to understand that during all this, I'm standing in front of Mr. Nimoy dressed from head-to-toe as a Las Vegas Showgirl. My voice was deep and monotone and the five-o'clock shadow on my face was dark. Like I said, surreal.


From my experience, I can tell you that Mr. Nimoy is a warm and generous man, as well as a gifted artist. He calmed my nerves, and asked me about myself with patience and respect.


That was a seminole moment for me, and it was a point of clarity. He spoke to me as an equal, with genuine interest and concern, with grace and humility.


I spoke freely and clearly, only ocassionally babbling. I no longer felt like a freak, grappling with questions of my 'Secret Self'.


As we spoke to each other, I realized that a part of me was still that litle girl, searching for hope and understanding, who sat in front of the television set so many years ago.......and, Mr. Spock had come to save me.


I wasn't afraid at that moment. And, I haven't been since.


Since that experience, I've gone on to transition. I've been performing stand-up all over NYC. I've been involved in several film projects, performed in the vagina Monlouges, auditioned with NBC, modeled, worked with many amazing and talented people and performers, and, recently, was a guest at the GLAAD Media Awards in NYC.


I'm not sure what constitutes a 'good story, anymore. I do know, however, that the character of Spock, played by Mr. Nimoy, on the television series Star Trek, made a connection with a child who was frieghtened, lonely and unloved. And, I'd say with certainty, that there aren't too many Trans-women who can point to such a cultural icon like Leonard Nimoy, and say, "That man may have just saved my life".

My Story

My past is filled with abuse, with neglect, with back-hands and slammed doors.

Is That what defines me?

In the last few weeks, I have been honored to meet and work with so many amazing people. It began with my part in The Vagina Monolouges. Not only did I get to work with a pair of great directors (Erin Bigelow and Ege Maltepe), but I had the opportunity to work with an amazing, and supportive cast of women, that I now think of as friends. The fact that Lorelei Erisis was one of those people made it even better. It was a nice departure from the usual Stand-Up gigs and an experience I will treasure always.

Should I high-light That experience?, I ask myself. Or, should I contrast that particular experience with the fact that, as a child, I was told by my step-father that I was a worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything? Does it matter that those voices still echo and reverbarate to this very day?

Is That the Story?

I don't think so.

Some people would have you believe that facing suicide, or a stint in the military is where I will find My Story. Maybe. They were defining moments of anguish and clarity in my life. Not to be easily trod over and forgotten, no doubt. But, not what defines my life.

As a comedian, of trans-persuasion, working in NYC over the past few years, I've been on quite a ride. I have met famous people, auditioned at NBC for a small part on 30 Rock, gotten involved in several film projects, and was recently invited to the GLAAD Media Awards -where I rubbed shoulders with people I've only known from film and television.

Not bad for someone who was told by a Club Manager that I was talented and professional, ............but he would never hire me, because I was trans. He said he didn't know how to market me. Was that hate, or a cold hard truth? Did he do me a diservice, or did he ignite a fire? (I don't like being told I can't do something. It just pisses me off and makes me more determind).

People often ask me why it is that I haven't shared my story. Where is my 'personal journey' to be found on the book-shelves? I usually respond that I have nothing new to add. And, I'm not being humble when I say that I don't think anyone really cares. Part of that comes from from my background (obviously), but part of it also comes from trying to avoid what's already out there. If only heart-ache and abuse are where you find your definitions, there is already a glut. No need for me to squeeze in.

The fact is that I am a survivor. Many people have not been so lucky. And, don't for a second think I'm not aware of That fact. They were no lesser than I and they most likely would have contributed more to the world than I ever will.

If there is a narrative, it begins with the look in my son's eyes, as I held him for the first time on the day he was born. Or, the walk down the asile on my wedding day, holding hands with the love of my life -20 years ago. Probably a bit too schmaltzie for prime-time. But, for me, truly important. And, defining.

When Leonard Nimoy asked me (during the shoot for 'Secret Selves') to describe my life, and how I was able to live it, I froze. Not because 'Spock' was standing in front of me and I was dressed as a Las Vegas showgirl, but because I was stumped.

I hadn't thought about it.

Survivors are generally too busy surviving.

But, it did get me thinking.

I've spent my life, surviving. I've spent it with one a foot in two worlds, in so many ways. Yes, my past is mired in ignorance, abuse, hate and neglect. But, that's not what defines me. It's certainly part of who I am. It informs me and it's the lense through which I view the world. But, that's not the whole story.

I'm not sure where it's going from here. Trans-woman, comedian, abuse survivor, sister, immigrant, ex-marine, taxi-dispatcher, parent, teacher, frieghtened child, artist and explorer. None of those are definitions. They're starting-off points.

Just ask me.

Have I got a story for you!