My Story

My past is filled with abuse, with neglect, with back-hands and slammed doors.

Is That what defines me?

In the last few weeks, I have been honored to meet and work with so many amazing people. It began with my part in The Vagina Monolouges. Not only did I get to work with a pair of great directors (Erin Bigelow and Ege Maltepe), but I had the opportunity to work with an amazing, and supportive cast of women, that I now think of as friends. The fact that Lorelei Erisis was one of those people made it even better. It was a nice departure from the usual Stand-Up gigs and an experience I will treasure always.

Should I high-light That experience?, I ask myself. Or, should I contrast that particular experience with the fact that, as a child, I was told by my step-father that I was a worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything? Does it matter that those voices still echo and reverbarate to this very day?

Is That the Story?

I don't think so.

Some people would have you believe that facing suicide, or a stint in the military is where I will find My Story. Maybe. They were defining moments of anguish and clarity in my life. Not to be easily trod over and forgotten, no doubt. But, not what defines my life.

As a comedian, of trans-persuasion, working in NYC over the past few years, I've been on quite a ride. I have met famous people, auditioned at NBC for a small part on 30 Rock, gotten involved in several film projects, and was recently invited to the GLAAD Media Awards -where I rubbed shoulders with people I've only known from film and television.

Not bad for someone who was told by a Club Manager that I was talented and professional, ............but he would never hire me, because I was trans. He said he didn't know how to market me. Was that hate, or a cold hard truth? Did he do me a diservice, or did he ignite a fire? (I don't like being told I can't do something. It just pisses me off and makes me more determind).

People often ask me why it is that I haven't shared my story. Where is my 'personal journey' to be found on the book-shelves? I usually respond that I have nothing new to add. And, I'm not being humble when I say that I don't think anyone really cares. Part of that comes from from my background (obviously), but part of it also comes from trying to avoid what's already out there. If only heart-ache and abuse are where you find your definitions, there is already a glut. No need for me to squeeze in.

The fact is that I am a survivor. Many people have not been so lucky. And, don't for a second think I'm not aware of That fact. They were no lesser than I and they most likely would have contributed more to the world than I ever will.

If there is a narrative, it begins with the look in my son's eyes, as I held him for the first time on the day he was born. Or, the walk down the asile on my wedding day, holding hands with the love of my life -20 years ago. Probably a bit too schmaltzie for prime-time. But, for me, truly important. And, defining.

When Leonard Nimoy asked me (during the shoot for 'Secret Selves') to describe my life, and how I was able to live it, I froze. Not because 'Spock' was standing in front of me and I was dressed as a Las Vegas showgirl, but because I was stumped.

I hadn't thought about it.

Survivors are generally too busy surviving.

But, it did get me thinking.

I've spent my life, surviving. I've spent it with one a foot in two worlds, in so many ways. Yes, my past is mired in ignorance, abuse, hate and neglect. But, that's not what defines me. It's certainly part of who I am. It informs me and it's the lense through which I view the world. But, that's not the whole story.

I'm not sure where it's going from here. Trans-woman, comedian, abuse survivor, sister, immigrant, ex-marine, taxi-dispatcher, parent, teacher, frieghtened child, artist and explorer. None of those are definitions. They're starting-off points.

Just ask me.

Have I got a story for you!